…..“I suddenly feel an enormous sense of urgency. Another school year is beginning, and my boys are getting older which means my time with them is now limited. The countdown is beginning. Have I taught them right? Have I skipped over something because I procrastinated, assuming I would always have time?” ….
I absolutely love seeing everyone’s pictures on social media of their children ready for the first day of school, whether it is kindergarten, middle school, high school, and even heading off to college. The parental love and pride shines through each picture and post, yet the fear and anxiety whispers through their voice, as it does in my own.
My youngest son is starting middle school. (Sigh). It’s no longer cool for me to hug him in public, much less show any kind of affection, so I know it’s now time for me to give him some space. So, I get the head lean for me to kiss his head, but only when we are at home. I’ll take it! But every once in a while, he will come to me and give me a quick hug, and I soak up every bit of it.
My older son who has special needs and medical complexities will be a sophomore this year.
A sophomore.
I remember vividly, like it was yesterday, thinking I couldn’t wait until he could start talking. I worked with him constantly as a toddler, teaching him some simple sign language so that he could express his needs and not feel frustrated. Another skill I wanted to rush was being so ready for the potty training to happen. I mean, who doesn’t? But as our oldest grew, the particular situation and the history of medical appointments and surgeries he has faced over the years, left me experiencing a unique readiness for a completion of healing. Each one subsequently taking me on a tour of desperation to be ‘done with this surgery, and for things to go back to normal.’ So it seems as if I was always hoping for the next thing to be completed, like marking off something on a to-do list. Why? Because they were hard things. There were times that I allowed fear and anxiety to take me further away from God, rather than trusting that He is there, even through the rough moments of pain and suffering. I guess I needed a sense of control.
But now, I suddenly feel a different sense of urgency. Another school year is beginning, and my boys are getting older which means my time with them is now limited. The countdown is beginning, so I find myself wanting to slow the clock down! “Have I taught them right? Have I skipped over something because I procrastinated, assuming I would always have time?”
The wonderful, simply truth though, that I am still learning on a daily basis is: God is in control. Therefore, I do not have to, and do not need to be in control one hundred percent of the time. I can lay my worries down at the feet of Jesus, and He gives me peace that He is there. Always is, always has been, and always will be. Does this mean that everything will be hunky dory from now on, forever and ever amen? No, of course not. Life happens, and there will still be hard times to come. I will still be an obedient parent for my children to the best of my ability. I will continue to advocate to ensure that my oldest son receives the education he deserves, and I will attend every sporting and school event that my youngest is involved in. However, I am not even sure I can put into words, the feeling I now get when I pray for my children. The burden begins to lift, and I get to learn all over again, each time, how to trust God with my children.
I once read an excerpt in a book called “Fearless, Imagine Your Life Without Fear” – written by Max Lucado, that told me I should give my children back to God, that they were really never mine to begin with. I couldn’t quite grasp that at first. I was befuddled….thinking, “but they are my children, to raise, teach and protect. You gave them to me Lord, so how are they not mine?” And then, it sank in. ‘Oh.’ YOU gave them to me. They were YOURS to begin with, so even as they are ours, they belong to YOU.
So…..what does that mean? I do the best I can, and rely on Him, instead of my own ways. He is the ultimate parent. Instead of constantly questioning myself, I now give my children to Jesus.
So as the new school year begins, and my old self wants to start looking ahead with fear-filled questions like, “What if this happens, or that?” or “what do I need to prepare for this year?” “are we going to have another medical crisis again?”…..I instead turn these questions to prayers. “Lord, please protect my children as they embark on a new year at school. Please surround them with kind people, and if there are new medical issues that come up, I know that you will be there, right beside us, reminding us of your love.
I now begin to hear His answers as, I love you child, Come to Me. Trust Me. I AM always here, always will be, and I know your heart, so give your burdens to Me and I will fight for you.
Prayers to all the parents sending their children off to school and college. May we pray for them, their educators, and most of all, may we TRUST in Him.
God bless,
Lisa
